in the realm of bad code

I’m always going to be alone with my memories. Adrift in a dimension that time forgot.

The paradox of equilibrium. No one knows what they left behind in yesterday’s thought.

I’m trying to write poetry. I’m trying to say things in a palatable way. But I’m pretty broken at the moment. And by broken I mean, just … unhappy. Unhappy in a way that it is clear to see will not change. That I can either bend to it, adapt somehow to living this unhappy for the rest of my life or face being crushed by it. But hope? Getting out of it? Joy? I’m not going to fight for these things anymore. That war is over. Somehow I got transported to this joke of a reality, this fake miasma, and there’s no point pretending it’s the real thing.

The social security guy, some guy who works for the government, made such a fucking mistake on my behalf … that I would certainly have run into the woods if I thought it would help. It won’t. I will be eaten alive in front of you all. That is the plan they have for me. Until one day I go silent. It’s just a story. Not a truth. Not reality.

I don’t exist. So how could bad things happen to me?

He said that social security paid me for 10 months that they shouldn’t have and now I have to pay it back. That’s like 7 grand, give or take. The problem is that he keeps on, continuously, no matter who I talk to or how many times I point out the mistake, not discounting all the excluded money. You know all that stimulus money that got delivered a couple years ago? Supposed to be excluded. What does excluded mean? It means when they decide if I have too many resources (cash or things that can be turned into cash to cover living expenses) then I don’t qualify for the monthly benefit. So… if I have more than 2 grand in February, no March benefit. Etc. But there was stimulus money from 2020 that I got in 2021 and then the expanded child tax credit. And all of that is not supposed to count for 12 months. I said this ten thousand times but he still decided to ignore me. He even added on the last balance from an account that has been closed for two years to make it look like I had even more resources.

Because he is dumb and careless. And I realize the gasp and horror that you are experiencing, finding out what a bad person I truly am for calling him dumb and careless. I’ll live with it. Cause it’s not like I’m dealing with an emotionless machine. This is a human being who completely ignored the words coming out of my mouth, not once but 5 times.

And I’m just tired.

Of feeling like no one cares if I live or die and no matter how much I care, I just can’t get over the hump. To some pastoral land where there is the tiniest bit of compassion from people.

I guess I’m supposed to do magic on him. Magically force him to do his job right. Since somehow he was unable to. I guess the code master of this fake realm wants me to fix the problematic features of this programmatic deluge called social security. Because it heard somewhere that the prayers of the righteous…

I just want to feel even remotely safe. But I have to somehow manage that while being completely on my own and accused. Oh man, ask for help and show all the documentation, print screen the exact rules he isn’t following, well… there must be something we just don’t know. That’s what the person who I asked for help to figure out what to do about this said. Cause it just can’t be him that’s wrong. Cause he represents the infallible authority. And we all love the idea of infallible human authority so so much.

I’m three sheets past heartbroken.

And I miss my dog.

And I realize that missing my dog might be the best emotion I get to feel ever again. And that’s just how I feel right now.

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