An Existential Poetic –

Dear God,

Should I continue to call you the Great Mystery or can we both agree now that I’m the one who is confusing? The sacred space of movement creates an unpredictable sound, isn’t it so?

I realize I’ve had trouble connecting to anyone since I lost my sense of center. It never feels like there’s enough time. Time is endless, so how does that make sense? If they solve the toughest experiments Lord, will I finally get to hold the hand of my Beloved?

Have you searched my heart? Isn’t that the thing I actually want? Isn’t that the thing reality divided itself into fractal upon fractal upon fractal to find? An other? A house of mirrors to play pretend in?

An understanding of the Selfhood, the Nature, the impossible to find?

What if I just had a someone who I could love without fear? The question becomes why do I fear? All children fear and all adults hold that memory of fear in their minds. The world could change, but some things remain the same. Evolution cannot perfect us at the same time that it exists to solve imperfections. The dance of the two things that should not exist at the same time but somehow and yet, do.

Something has sped up while others have slowed down. I see things that were hidden and myself and how to expand sight. But when will I finally get to hold the hand of my Beloved?

I’ll have to learn to see my Beloved in all things. How else is it possible to bear this task? I’ll have to know that in any way that life presents itself to me, it is my heart it is trying to reach, to reflect, to teach. So unsatisfying, this attempt to satisfy.

If I meet an advanced civilization from a place and time I’ve never heard of, will I feel curious and engaged and motivated again?

So much of this life has been about not having, about fear, about missing out on, about being judged and feeling the daggers of criticism and competition and hope that never leads anywhere and faith that is mocked and love unrequited, condemned, confusing.

Oh! To be held within layers of peace that penetrate the hearts and minds of others so to end the fear of survival. Correct the errors in code without remorse, my God. Experience some relief knowing we are your Beloved.

Amen.

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