Status Report

I’ve tried so hard for so long to prove to people I was ok, it’s hard to reflect now on how much and for how long I wasn’t.

I’ve healed. Healing has happened. But this healing did not bring about an absence of anger or a rush of trusting, healthy connections. I know peace, contentment, assurance in my own intent, the contents of my soul, but the truth dawning on where we are different and how that feels, is yet to be uncovered.

Lots of people dealing with fear for the first time, I suppose. Looking in the mirror of what life is all about. Far more, however, aren’t looking at all, aren’t contemplating, aren’t delving deeper.

We’re at different stages. These stages are largely undefined and indeterminant. We get there when we get there and leave when we’re done.

Some people won’t be able to look more deeply in the same way that most people can’t perform surgery on themselves. That too ought to be remembered.

I spent my life wondering, if God is real why is all this sucky stuff happening? If God is awesome why doesn’t life feel awesome? But I’ve never thought it would be fair if life was awesome just for me. That doesn’t even make sense.

It’s a core belief, a rule to live by, a decision about the fundamental purpose of getting stuck in a ding dang human life.

I also spent just as much time wondering why people like society so much, or why they are so enmeshed in it even when they don’t want to be. Society and God make strange bedfellows. Just like history and the future. Or oil and vinegar. Even though they all make the best topping for salad.

And I guess that’s what it’s really all about. God, the grand gardener. Would a Garden grow if there were not someone to grow it for, to set to tending? Nature on its own, how the hell do we know what it does, as much as we rest assured that we do.

How do I go back and deal with people now in a regular way after I’ve spent so much time flushing timelines down the toilet and putting to task the plans for better that is always just waiting to be but never quite is? Here at the edge where life and death and worlds and potential collide, the gateway to nothing reserved for everything? Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs only makes sense before you taste the edge of reason and oblivion, after you’ve seen your flame go out and come back to life like a flickering birthday candle prank, you just can’t think food is more important than SELF and it is that thought that brings you right there, to nothing left but SELF.

The trick of the paradox that keeps reality afloat. The forget me nots that never existed.

I love to think thoughts instead of juggling ideas. I like to feel my own gravitational weight and the pull of a thousand hot planets met with the cool whisper of mercury rather than ponder how to get greedy self-centered ignoramuses to ponder themselves on why so many people are so miserable when we are capable of enlightenment, capable of staring wide-eyed into the Gaze of Forever, the Landscape of All that is possible.

And which is worse, pray tell, Pandora’s box full of evil or a box full of good we can see but never experience, we know is possible but never manifest?

We knew all along we were self-evolving organisms. We used to be in kindergarten. We used to swing on swings and play hopscotch with dusty hands. And now we’re this.