I didn’t just start being a weirdo. I was always weird. Most of my life has been a fine balance of seeing how much weird I can let out before people come running after me with pitchforks, flaming torches or paperwork.
We just came full circle, a nice wide circle. And this time, this time, more of us are becoming ok with …more. The big bang didn’t happen then, to put us here, now, the big bang is us and it is always now and never isn’t … We just begin to take in more of the light of the light of the light that we are.
When I was younger, my wild and carefree youthful days, I was madly in love with an atheist. A stone-cold middle finger to the sky atheist. I went on a trip to the east coast with my mother and I remember he told me to write an essay while I was gone, defending the reasons for my faith. I was 17. I had no idea that for as long as humans have been conscious, we have been trying to describe, mostly unsuccessfully, the pull to enlightenment and what it is we find, when we find it.
He did not want me to regurgitate what others said. The word -God- has left a bad taste in many a mouth. He did not realize that whatever I said or didn’t say, whether I strayed, prayed, said Hallelujah or took the Lord’s name in vain, that feeling never went away. I wish that I could list for you the ten thousand ways I’ve tested the Source of this feeling, poked at, prodded, the scenarios I’ve put myself through seeing if it would hold. I can’t tell you, because many of those ten thousand things would crank up ye old bias machine and your mind would go off on this or that tangent and judgment, hard programming, but I … I needed to test it. Would love remain? Would I remain? That feeling, that pull, that knowing, would I still be able to find it?
How does Eve come home? Would God reject me if…?
The closest I’ve ever come to not finding my way back was homelessness. Having other people reject me, not see me, hate me without cause, condemn me, leave me to be hunted… it was hard to come back from that much negativity.
And yet, I not only came back, but came back deeper, came back closer to myself, to union, to acceptance, not just of myself but of the entirety of life as it is. Exactly as it is. So… along with the rejection was a mountain of human love and kindness and compassion and a deep well of …acceptance, I didn’t know existed.
I’m just going to sit here in the center of the big bang for awhile and try not to stare at my own reflection because if I pivot just a wee bit…
I get to see you.
and thank you