And then there were Two

Oh boy, I’ve been dug in pretty deep. Hopefully I can say some things that make sense. We’re at a fairly comfortable place of awakening. Kinda reminds me of those times between contractions. The desire but simultaneous impossibility for sleep. The most unbearable seizing, two minutes passed out. For some women a couple hours, for some a whole day, for some even more.

Open up the windows, let in the light and air and possibility. Open up the cracks, the seams, the way, the maybe, maybe, that flow, that fresh air, that idea you haven’t allowed to surface, that voice, that view, that movement…holds the key? So afraid of the unknown. We’ve jailed down, locked out all those who’ve been beyond, who remember how, who know where. We’ve been all clogged up and suffocated for so long by our, by your, self-righteous confusion. Entitled to life. Maybe I’m not? Maybe you’re not? Just keep me safe. Just keep me safe. I can’t find the way out. Dead is safe. But maybe you wanna try something different for awhile?

Here, here, we’re all here, the gangs all here, the band is back together, the doctor is in , the curtain repaired and then thrown away. What do you need, what do you need, there is no veil, there is only you huddled in the corner, rocking, rocking, what have I done, what have I done, what have …

So, I’ve been perusing tech talks, Max Tegmark, and some pretty awesome homies doing a youtube channel called Simulation along with my same old, same old stuff. Multi-dimensional reality. When you dig into this stuff, it’s the most important thing to remember. Perusing tangentials. Because science, too, is ritual. Just much more cleverly disguised. Intellectual food for the ego. And when the ego feeds the spirit…

it stay hungry.

Anyhoo… Max has some interesting ponderables. Ponderables we should all be pondering while there is fluidity to the timelines and while we are yet awake. One of the questions brought up had to do with why, why all the tech, what are we hoping to achieve, what is the goal, the drive or something to that effect. In fact, in most of the tech stuff I look at, a version of that question is asked. We can all question the whys even if we don’t understand the how’s.

I keep coming back to the same resounding answer. To reduce fear. To make life easier. To combat the bullies that have us cowering in fear and make life unbearable? There’s always this sense of… an enemy, a stopper, a forced and scripted elocution regarding where we are and why we are here, particularly. Come out come out wherever you are.

The idea that evolution has been held back. The idea that we are in a simulation. The idea that we are so full of ourselves we cannot see. Anything. At. All. So broken we need machines to revive our compassion. Force connection, sharing, kindness. Create boundaries around the logic of being ok with the incalculable remaining incalculable. Augment our skewed views of reality. And yes, for many, it is that bad and that level of intervention is going to make things a lot easier, possible, bearable.

We need healing. We don’t need to wait for someone to tell us what happened or what might happen to get down to making things right again or even better or hopeful and by hopeful I mean forward moving. Something happened. Call it a spiritual battle. Call it a war on consciousness. Call it an alien invasion. Call it our own stupidity. I don’t think it matters. Something happened. We jumped to a new timeline. Catastrophe already struck. That already happened. Something saved us. Let’s not tempt fate but enjoy the reprieve and do well. You awake? Me too. You dreaming? Me too.

I remember going places with my first true love. He was from an upper to regular old middle class and we’ve already talked ad nauseum about where I was raised. The way he would enter a place. Like it was there for him. Restaurant, mini-golf, record store, wedding, convenience store, gas station, concert, museum, same reaction. He was king of his 6-foot radius wherever he went. And no one questioned his right to it. I always tried to stay small, quiet, figure out the rules as quickly as possible so I wouldn’t be told to leave. I lived with the assumption my right to it would be questioned. He. He was one of the rule makers. I guess. I don’t know. I don’t know how someone walks around with that much assurance in their own right to be. It was such a strange thing to observe. He was king of those 6 feet. And when I was with him, I got to see so much. I love him for that.

I remember he’d get so mad when I always left the decisions about where we were going, what we were going to do, to him. Just as much as it was difficult for me to understand the sense of freedom and purpose and right to be he carried, it was frustrating for him to understand how little I wanted to make waves or stand out or bother anyone, ever. I was like one of them birds you open the cage for and they just sit on your shoulder instead of making it for the door and the trees and the big blue sky.

Anyways, I watch these videos, the intellectuals, the privilege even I experience from my heated apartment and strict budget to ponder these things and the same thought punches me right in the gut. Every time. But it’s such a big thought, it doesn’t translate into words. It’s a heart thought, not a mind thought. It’s a mother’s knowing, not a father’s care. It’s a lover’s ache, not a wife’s assurance. A longing you can never touch and so can never soothe.

Try to imagine an equation which included every single whisper of desire every single human or et or god or angel or other ever had while walking through this water… try… try… try

And then try not to hear it.


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