The body is hard wired to survive. We have innate processes going on 24/7 to keep this sucka running. As a back-up we have mental and emotional bodies which makes us even more apt to survive. We’re so wired to survive we grew an extra portion of brain that can imagine future scenarios and counteract things that haven’t even happened yet, may not ever happen. Truly amazing and beautiful creatures these vessels are. We miss the intelligence of what we get to walk around and explore this version of paradise in.

Our body itself can be paradise. Ever been in love? I mean really. Deeply felt love that is also returned? Priceless. Especially the first time. People toil endlessly for one savorable, unquenchable memory, emotions that can be recalled through imagery in our mindscape. We have such a unique ability to relive moments, just thinking deeply enough can release chemicals and hormones that bring us back to a feeling, the essence of something exquisite. A first kiss, a first amusement park ride, snow crunching beneath your feet, a deer spotted in the woods, or a fox, or a gorilla in the jungle, the Grand Canyon, the ocean, recognition from a boss, a teacher, a coach, a parent, saving someone’s life, making someone’s day, the perfect nacho, ice cream or an ice cold beer on a sunny day with just a slight breeze bringing the air’s warmth like a caress to your skin. So many experiences that are all possible because of these beautiful little bundles of life that is our human form.

Timeless is the word. Experiences that exist outside of, beyond, above and in spite of time. We risk a lot for these experiences. I realized somewhere along the way that I could provide a type of timeless moment for people. In my previous life. My previous mindset. I could stop time. I could fill a room up with presence. I could look at them with love that was beyond this little vessel. I could make em cry just looking at them so. I could tell them things about themselves they knew I didn’t have any logical way of knowing. I could stop time. But never for very long. Just enough to let them know, there was more, more was possible, and they were seen, and in that seeing, loved.

I was so idealistic. So immensely sure…

I told my therapist I was having a hard time coming back. Doing that thing I used to do, being the me that enjoyed her purpose. We were talking about homelessness. My mom being without shelter and me not being able to help is as shitty as it sounds. No, it’s shittier.

Most people can’t comprehend the hell that is life outside while others are comfortably inside. It messes with your head. How little sense it makes when you’re outside and can see how much empty “inside” space there is that you can’t use even if it’s not being used and it might save your life because you have no way to make enough money to be approved… you don’t think that way when you’re inside because you don’t realize how bad outside actually is so you think it’s totally cool that people make a living off of other people potentially living or dying. You don’t know that people are out there resisting the urge to save their own life because of social norms, essentially. They’d have to be crazy or on drugs or so fucking traumatized and beaten down as to believe god damned social norms…. I’m digressing. Trading in peaceful mortality I called it once. That’s fitting. And a lot more to the point.

But she should have, she should have known, understood what hell it is, she should have known because I should have made it clear, and I really thought I did, don’t ever let that happen to you, I said, you don’t understand how awful it is. To see people’s inhumanity, is what I failed to add. God, how could she have not seen what it did to me, does she know me so little? Or did she think she’d tame that beast for me, prove there was no monster under the bed and I’d return to my old self. God. Why. I just…

You see a lot of kindness, don’t get me wrong, but the inhumane is there and it is glaring and pervasive, it is ugly and absurdly perverse in a way that I don’t know how to explain. And that’s what the people living outside can see that people living inside can’t and it makes the rhetoric and narratives about homelessness so … it makes the whole place seem entirely not real. That’s what it did to me. It broke the illusion and I just don’t know how to pretend anymore.

Usually, not always, but usually the reason you can’t earn enough money really is out of your hands. No one ever seems to get that piece of things. People die out there. Other people still think they just don’t have enough gumption to try harder. It’s a weird story people tell themselves about this economic situation. So, I’m having a hard time coming back. Inspire people? I can’t condone this system. That’s the trouble I’m having. The wheel I’m spinning. Fuck this wheel. I do want a new one. I’ve brought people who were actively and purposely self-destructing back from the suicide line. I believed in humanity. In goodness that much. Without doubt. They were killing themselves and I convinced them so hard they came back and decided to have kids!

And I sit here and I wonder … cause I can’t find the desire to do my life’s work, to inspire, revive, encourage, I can’t bring any more people back, bring them back to what? For what? And this, this is the mindset that has stopped my forward motion. The ethical dilemma I must put down in the same way others must put down their sword. And decide again to believe in goodness, despite. In spite of and beyond the suffering.

She is a compassionate person, my therapist, but like me before I was out there naive to certain things. I studied poverty in college. When I thought “those” people were just lost and must be found. That was my mindset. I was idealistic, naive. I thought the world could be fair and people were autonomous and just needed to be shown the way. The truth of it is so much more complicated to explain. There is no system we can create that we won’t outgrow. That we outgrow it at varying rates of speed is where the problems ensue. Humans are so much more complex than we may ever grasp.

Some things are not complex and must be grasped. Here’s a good example. A comment section on a video about how tech is gonna save us. People are going to save us. The desire for exquisite experiences we only get from each other, from relationships, from experiences is gonna save us. Not tech separate from the humans designing it. The cart didn’t form itself and the horse most assuredly doesn’t tie itself to the damn thing front or back. Don’t forget that. I don’t.

And because I don’t, I want to make sure they understand the need to stay aware, present, humble. How different perspectives on life become when you are dealing with basic needs, day to day survival.

Anyways, the comment here that if they are a true genius they can … just like those people living outside are somehow just too lazy to try to live… in a body that literally keeps itself alive and will continue to do so until it is no longer able to…without us even thinking about it…


Ah, if only it worked that way. If only you could just genius your way out of poverty. If only poverty was only about money and motivation. But no. And also, where is this free internet, free computers, free business licensing, business cards, marketing materials? You can use a public library computer for an hour a day I think. How do people think watching videos or reading text is equivalent to hands on mentoring and why do they think networking, social norms and customs are suddenly irrelevant because someone has access to one gig of data per month? If “genius” is so damn good, a sure ticket out of poverty with some amazing business idea, why would those who are already out of poverty help the competition? You think someone in poverty has the resources or public support to say hey, someone stole my idea? It is assumed that those without deserve to be without because it is assumed that if they were smart they would have… it is assumed for very obvious reasons once you wake the fuck up. I had to learn that one the hard way. The pill that is still caught in my throat.

Lots of geniuses in the world. But it takes one to know one.

Humans are born helpless. Pretty sure that was by design.

It isn’t a tech tsunami, don’t let em fool ya, the tech has always been there, just like math has always been there, just like your higher self has always been there. It is an enlightenment tsunami. And it is worth it. Your eyes become opened. You see. In the seeing you realize you are seen. Realizing you are seen, you know you are loved. Knowing you are loved, you know you are free to love. Knowing you are free to love you know you are free. You know yourself FREE

And then there is joy…….

And joy always was……


16 thoughts on “Commentary

  1. “Most people can’t comprehend the hell that is life outside while others are comfortably inside. It messes with your head.” It never ceases to amaze me that this is the very thing people don’t seem to ever comprehend. I guess you have to have been there.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Like watching people eat when you haven’t eaten in days and then throw away the leftovers cause you didn’t work for the right to eat their scraps. Yea, these are the things a little bit of maturity and wisdom can help people see (what used to be common sense) – it’s a form of violence we are going to have to agree to not allow. I’m not sure when we decided violence was acceptable but it isn’t. Restricting basic survival needs is covert violence and it is inhumane. It isn’t the case that we don’t have enough. We have enough. People are afraid that we don’t and that fear is based on false evidence. Rather than sharing with people who clearly can’t compete, basics are withheld. It’s a horrible social experiment. No one is going to convince me it is something other than that. I know humans. This is not how humans, unadulterated, respond to other humans.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think that there has to be a certain amount of indoctrination for humans to cease to respond according to the natural altruism that is our first inclination. Altruism is genetic in the human species, though researchers say it’s largely specific “tribe to tribe.” But that we not think of the whole of humanity as one tribe to begin with is suspect.

        It seems to me that those who withhold food from the hungry based on any qualification or reservation whatsoever have got to have been subjected to some form of mainstream adulteration of their humanity. They probably gain some measure of comfort from buying into that kind of spiritual deception, because it frees them of any sense of responsibility they might naturally have toward fellow humans who are suffering, and permits them to justify more extravagance or decadence with regards to their own self-serving lifestyles.

        And you’re spot on the mark about it being “covert violence.” In some ways, it’s even overt. I’m not sure exactly either when violence became so acceptable in our culture, but I’ve seen it becoming increasingly violent in many ways the longer I’ve lived in the States. It coincides with a gradual relinquishing of our willingness to love and serve others. However, I fully believe that Love is more powerful than violence, hatred or war. It’s probably going to take a major shake-up, unfortunately, for that revelation to be revealed *en masse.*

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Most of the people who I noticed being pretty assholey weren’t even living what I would consider decadent lifestyles. It must be a short circuit in the reward system. As in, rewards are now coming from anti-social rather than pro-social behavior because it has been normalized to ridicule and shame the less-fortunate. Like major developmental milestones were completely skipped.
        A massive dose of parental love and nurturing is in order. Re-parenting children in grown up bodies.
        Like in the case of my therapist, lots of good intentions, I just think they haven’t heard the facts, didn’t realize … and that is changing. If the trees have to start talking things’ll just get weird so hopefully these sorts of forums will do the trick 🙂 🙂 🙂
        Thank you Andy!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I was idealistic, naive. I thought the world could be fair and people were autonomous and just needed to be shown the way. Yes, very same thing here. But, I have learnt a very hard way! After 5 decades on earth, I still sometimes fail to understand world and it’s need to be the way it is!

    The example shared… oh I still can’t believe some people still exists; for sake of it! Hey, dear Melissa, in my humble opinion, you must stop saving them from suicide line! Easier that way then to explain them things!

    Thank you for the beautiful post.

    Thank you for your time & energy.



    1. I think you fail to realize how they got to the suicide line and how much more worthy of life they are than the pigs and ideologies that send them there, ideologies we all perpetuate instead of appreciating life for what it is. All trajectories point to mental health being an even bigger problem for humanity. And given what I know about frequencies, what is sometimes referred to as black magic, yea. Once that actually stops or people wake up to what it is … get over the imposed concept of scarcity and use their intelligence and the ample resources we have to utilize the planet wisely
      The intelligence we have, the ability to create a robust and loving, exciting world full of opportunities, how many things we have yet to discover and explore… that all hinges on us NOT creating a world that is so fucking miserable people short circuit the most intelligently designed piece of awesomeness ever conceived.
      I think you misunderstood me.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. and to be perfectly clear for the record, if someone hadn’t once saved me from the suicide line I wouldn’t be here and the only reason I was on the suicide line is because some man decided little girls were free game. Pathological and sociopathic and anti-human, that’s what needs to be stopped. Until it is stopped and people -including you- actually care, it is hard to find the desire to risk it. That you are able to talk so cavalierly about other people’s suffering… just let them, it’s easier…. fucking A, guess I got the motivation I needed. Thank you for the reflection

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I should probably tell you, I referenced you in my Wednesday post. Maybe I should have asked you — I think highly of you, and I doubt you would be bothered. However, since it was a speech and not a written post I couldn’t link to you. It pertains to the statement of yours that I quoted.

    I just removed a “like” from a post above that I did not like! (and do not remember putting a “like” on it either — I must have been trying to “like” something else.) Anyway I thought I should show some support. I had to read it three times to try to grasp where she possibly could have been coming from. Seemed quite insensitive, frankly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I heard that! I was only about half-way through. (Once I get that thread I’m off and trying to find solutions to what went wrong where.) or you would have seen a response. 🙂
      Thank you! I appreciate knowing there are other people who noticed and report the same things. The sense of confusion over what and how and why people are throwing perfectly good people away, as if they know inside we’re being fed to the wolves and are just too damn grateful it’s not them to do anything but pretend that isn’t what’s happening.
      Anyways, I won’t go into the visuals on that one… just … ugh, you ever watch the Lion Whisperer? You know what he feeds the lions, horses and so on that have to be shot because they’ve gone lame for some or other reason? Keeps the lions fed. Sometimes… sometimes… the thought strikes me that a certain type of predatory instinct is allowed and fed in certain types of people and certain other types of people are kind like set up as prey. I know it’s a pretty dystopian ugly way to look at things but …
      A couple years back they were arresting people for feeding the homeless. Arresting people and throwing things away if they stopped at a side of a road to give things… weird shit.
      As for the above, yea, not everyone is who they claim to be, I’ll leave it at that.
      Thank you for being you.
      Peace ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Seen in a certain light, that might be a dystopian view, but I also think there could be a ring of truth to it. The “tribe to tribe” nature of genetic altruism in the human species can lead to a kind of Fascism if unchecked. Human beings are incredible at showing magnanimity only to those of “their kind” while feeling unduly threatened by any other “tribe” whose mores and values don’t resonate with their own. In the extreme, this has led to Hitler’s having been able to mobilize an entire nation based on hatred of the Jews as well as of the extremely disadvantaged.

    No doubt those who deprived the homeless of needed food on the basis of their not having worked for it came back to their homeys and heard: “Good for you!” People justify social customs that have no basis in either sound reason or good conscience, simply because it has become accepted in their tribe, and in their gaining acceptance, they relinquish their moral compass.

    It’s also uncanny how many U.S. cities have made it illegal to give food to a homeless person. Not only is that inhumane, it deprives a citizen of their constitutional right to do whatever they wish with their money, properties, or purchased items. No one has the right to tell me where my food should go, and it is also unconscionable to legislate food deprivation.

    The upside to all of this, for me, is that I would never have opened my eyes to this reality had I not spent years on the urban streets. This is why I continue to revere Homelessness as having been a heavenly gift, and none of my time living free of the Box was lost.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sheesh, this brought up so many things I want to say, enough for ten books, I swear. There’s so few people that see this. Well, maybe there isn’t few who see, but few who know of or have the courage to find solutions to it. It seems so many people are just running so quickly through their lives, so sure… that running quickly through life is the right choice, so sure, they don’t even stop to assess whether or not that basic assumption is true.
      I watched a video yesterday about some MIT’ers that do a yearly puzzle. It’s interesting for a number of reasons but as I was watching I considered how some groups think theirs is the only culture, as if other groups don’t have culture, hidden meanings, symbols, references. An assumed higher status or level of culture tends to assume knowledge of others… this, I have seen, is not the case. We have a tendency to believe our “in-group” or “tribe” is both superior and set apart, unreachable by others. You and I do this with our knowledge, gang-bangers do it with their knowledge and MIT puzzle players do it with theirs.
      This particular time in our collective history is unique and beneficial precisely for these reasons, how and why we may be able to evolve beyond the current confines we have dictated to each other and our selves… we can view, question and communicate, gain a broader understanding of our unique cultural vantage points. and use the vastness of that information to improve humanity and life on this planet as a whole. It’s really brilliant when you step back and look. I wish more people would. To get a glimpse at Mother Nature, and at God, as Creator, and at our role in the grand scheme of it which can be so much bigger than we really grasp… it’s so beautiful, I really wish more people would enjoy and participate but… I guess that’s how I like to look at it. Comparing notes. I’m grateful I was allowed to see inside so many subcultures, mindsets, I wish it wasn’t so hard to communicate the lessons, ease the needless suffering. And so much of it is absolutely needless. We have no need to replay some of the events from our past in order to heal from, learn from and move on from. Not feed people… it’s fucking ludicrous. I’m glad I can see the big picture, otherwise things like getting told to move on when you clearly have no place to go would be unbearable. How we ever decided to be so dumb as to allow someone command over life and death literally goes against any kind of rational thought. Someone being dumb enough to take that kind of command also goes against any rational thought. It’s completely illogical. There have been so many, thousands easily if not more, studies done on in-group/out-group infallible decision making. If we used this to our advantage rather than allowing it to be used against us, to make us buy things to dress the part of this or that group… we could collaborate and achieve. As long as people are still hoping to profit off of saving humanity… we will have to remain grateful for those who decided it wasn’t worth the wait.
      Peace to you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sometimes it feels as though people with economic advantages and privileges assume that they have them because they have “mastered” everything on lower economic rungs. This is their fundamental error in thinking. Different kinds of intelligence are required. I guess those on lower economic rungs miss this one too, don’t see their advantages, what they offer the human species by being able to survive in highly stressful conditions. One is only better under certain -very controlled- conditions. Under other conditions… having the tenacity to survive may be more advantageous. I guess I felt the need to make that more clear. It’s one thing I used to say, to get me through the fact I had to be shown how to eat out of dumpsters and learn which restaurants or stores threw food away and make sure to be there at the right time, not get caught etc. how to do a gut/instinct check and bless whatever you were eating so it wouldn’t make you sick if it was on that iffy line. Anyways, I used to say it to the homeless youth when they’d look at me with that certain look in their eyes, hey, chin up, if an apocalypse happens, you already know how to survive. That little shift in perspective showed up just like that in their eyes, from feeling like they were garbage and useless and unwanted to potential saviors of the human species. Anyways… sorry for rambling. I just feel like these things are so important for people to understand because the vast vast vast majority of people do not enjoy watching other people suffering and if they could make it stop without adding suffering to themselves, they would. Hands down. Most people are afraid of suffering and so cause it…
        the irony. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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