The body is hard wired to survive. We have innate processes going on 24/7 to keep this sucka running. As a back-up we have mental and emotional bodies which makes us even more apt to survive. We’re so wired to survive we grew an extra portion of brain that can imagine future scenarios and counteract things that haven’t even happened yet, may not ever happen. Truly amazing and beautiful creatures these vessels are. We miss the intelligence of what we get to walk around and explore this version of paradise in.
Our body itself can be paradise. Ever been in love? I mean really. Deeply felt love that is also returned? Priceless. Especially the first time. People toil endlessly for one savorable, unquenchable memory, emotions that can be recalled through imagery in our mindscape. We have such a unique ability to relive moments, just thinking deeply enough can release chemicals and hormones that bring us back to a feeling, the essence of something exquisite. A first kiss, a first amusement park ride, snow crunching beneath your feet, a deer spotted in the woods, or a fox, or a gorilla in the jungle, the Grand Canyon, the ocean, recognition from a boss, a teacher, a coach, a parent, saving someone’s life, making someone’s day, the perfect nacho, ice cream or an ice cold beer on a sunny day with just a slight breeze bringing the air’s warmth like a caress to your skin. So many experiences that are all possible because of these beautiful little bundles of life that is our human form.
Timeless is the word. Experiences that exist outside of, beyond, above and in spite of time. We risk a lot for these experiences. I realized somewhere along the way that I could provide a type of timeless moment for people. In my previous life. My previous mindset. I could stop time. I could fill a room up with presence. I could look at them with love that was beyond this little vessel. I could make em cry just looking at them so. I could tell them things about themselves they knew I didn’t have any logical way of knowing. I could stop time. But never for very long. Just enough to let them know, there was more, more was possible, and they were seen, and in that seeing, loved.
I was so idealistic. So immensely sure…
I told my therapist I was having a hard time coming back. Doing that thing I used to do, being the me that enjoyed her purpose. We were talking about homelessness. My mom being without shelter and me not being able to help is as shitty as it sounds. No, it’s shittier.
Most people can’t comprehend the hell that is life outside while others are comfortably inside. It messes with your head. How little sense it makes when you’re outside and can see how much empty “inside” space there is that you can’t use even if it’s not being used and it might save your life because you have no way to make enough money to be approved… you don’t think that way when you’re inside because you don’t realize how bad outside actually is so you think it’s totally cool that people make a living off of other people potentially living or dying. You don’t know that people are out there resisting the urge to save their own life because of social norms, essentially. They’d have to be crazy or on drugs or so fucking traumatized and beaten down as to believe god damned social norms…. I’m digressing. Trading in peaceful mortality I called it once. That’s fitting. And a lot more to the point.
But she should have, she should have known, understood what hell it is, she should have known because I should have made it clear, and I really thought I did, don’t ever let that happen to you, I said, you don’t understand how awful it is. To see people’s inhumanity, is what I failed to add. God, how could she have not seen what it did to me, does she know me so little? Or did she think she’d tame that beast for me, prove there was no monster under the bed and I’d return to my old self. God. Why. I just…
You see a lot of kindness, don’t get me wrong, but the inhumane is there and it is glaring and pervasive, it is ugly and absurdly perverse in a way that I don’t know how to explain. And that’s what the people living outside can see that people living inside can’t and it makes the rhetoric and narratives about homelessness so … it makes the whole place seem entirely not real. That’s what it did to me. It broke the illusion and I just don’t know how to pretend anymore.
Usually, not always, but usually the reason you can’t earn enough money really is out of your hands. No one ever seems to get that piece of things. People die out there. Other people still think they just don’t have enough gumption to try harder. It’s a weird story people tell themselves about this economic situation. So, I’m having a hard time coming back. Inspire people? I can’t condone this system. That’s the trouble I’m having. The wheel I’m spinning. Fuck this wheel. I do want a new one. I’ve brought people who were actively and purposely self-destructing back from the suicide line. I believed in humanity. In goodness that much. Without doubt. They were killing themselves and I convinced them so hard they came back and decided to have kids!
And I sit here and I wonder … cause I can’t find the desire to do my life’s work, to inspire, revive, encourage, I can’t bring any more people back, bring them back to what? For what? And this, this is the mindset that has stopped my forward motion. The ethical dilemma I must put down in the same way others must put down their sword. And decide again to believe in goodness, despite. In spite of and beyond the suffering.
She is a compassionate person, my therapist, but like me before I was out there naive to certain things. I studied poverty in college. When I thought “those” people were just lost and must be found. That was my mindset. I was idealistic, naive. I thought the world could be fair and people were autonomous and just needed to be shown the way. The truth of it is so much more complicated to explain. There is no system we can create that we won’t outgrow. That we outgrow it at varying rates of speed is where the problems ensue. Humans are so much more complex than we may ever grasp.
Some things are not complex and must be grasped. Here’s a good example. A comment section on a video about how tech is gonna save us. People are going to save us. The desire for exquisite experiences we only get from each other, from relationships, from experiences is gonna save us. Not tech separate from the humans designing it. The cart didn’t form itself and the horse most assuredly doesn’t tie itself to the damn thing front or back. Don’t forget that. I don’t.
And because I don’t, I want to make sure they understand the need to stay aware, present, humble. How different perspectives on life become when you are dealing with basic needs, day to day survival.
Anyways, the comment here that if they are a true genius they can … just like those people living outside are somehow just too lazy to try to live… in a body that literally keeps itself alive and will continue to do so until it is no longer able to…without us even thinking about it…
Ah, if only it worked that way. If only you could just genius your way out of poverty. If only poverty was only about money and motivation. But no. And also, where is this free internet, free computers, free business licensing, business cards, marketing materials? You can use a public library computer for an hour a day I think. How do people think watching videos or reading text is equivalent to hands on mentoring and why do they think networking, social norms and customs are suddenly irrelevant because someone has access to one gig of data per month? If “genius” is so damn good, a sure ticket out of poverty with some amazing business idea, why would those who are already out of poverty help the competition? You think someone in poverty has the resources or public support to say hey, someone stole my idea? It is assumed that those without deserve to be without because it is assumed that if they were smart they would have… it is assumed for very obvious reasons once you wake the fuck up. I had to learn that one the hard way. The pill that is still caught in my throat.
Lots of geniuses in the world. But it takes one to know one.
Humans are born helpless. Pretty sure that was by design.
It isn’t a tech tsunami, don’t let em fool ya, the tech has always been there, just like math has always been there, just like your higher self has always been there. It is an enlightenment tsunami. And it is worth it. Your eyes become opened. You see. In the seeing you realize you are seen. Realizing you are seen, you know you are loved. Knowing you are loved, you know you are free to love. Knowing you are free to love you know you are free. You know yourself FREE
And then there is joy…….
And joy always was……