Rant 5,942

Oh Nelly.

Hold my hands, people, this wave is a big’un. (that was last week when I started writing this, hey we made it again! woo hoo!!)

A whole bunch of items up for inspection, skidding across my observation deck. Three amazing little pieces of life in particular. Complex subject matter. A dearth of emotions. A vastness and vicissitude of relevance to most. Lost to most. Mostly. The woman in the mirror becomes more obscure.

On your spiritual journey you will reach milestones. You will reach heights you didn’t know existed. You will reach them and your past will still come looping through. The loops don’t stop. You stop. You stop thinking you have to interact just cause they’re there. And they are always there. The loops, recordings of events you lived in this life. As long as you’re still here, still living this life, you will be aware of them. While you are here, still, recording a new verse for the Akash.

Earth, studio of superstars.

Because something inspired you or some aspect of you was necessary for the inspiration of….

Don’t get confused by the feedback, the echo, the ….past

My mom might be homeless. Mighta got herself evicted. My mom. My brother. My sister. My brother-in-law. My niece. Their cat. Not sure I could have stopped it but I still feel guilty. Maybe I could have started a gofundme. I didn’t. It’s too late now. Or not. I’m not sure. Confused? Yea, family drama will do that to ya. I just quit smoking, I don’t want to get involved. Stay on my couch? No, I don’t want to get in trouble with my landlord when I know, I remember all too well, what it’s like to have no place to go. Just exactly how much grief you’ll withstand in order to not have to stand having no where but concrete to stand. My neighbor who may or may not work for my landlord spit his gum out at my son. Grown adult. Eleven-year old. Yes, it appeared to be done on purpose. I send it up to God, my prayers. I just quit smoking, please, a little peace, please, after everything I’ve survived, a little peace, please.

Love has won. Love has won. Love has won. Love has won.

We’re just healing the yucky stuff. We’re just healing the yucky stuff. We’re just healing the yucky stuff.

I can’t save my mom. Because she got caught gambling on saving my sister. I told her. Can’t save someone doesn’t want to be saved. My sister’s husband. He’s a broken man. No one knows. No one knows. His mom sent him off to foster care when he was too little. And he’s a sensitive soul. So sensitive, so broken, easily breached. And my mom gambled. And mighta lost. But then again….Love has won. So she mighta just gotten away from the fighting between those two. Between those two and my brother. Between herself and those two. Between herself and my brother and those two. Endless. Endless. Endless. How did I survive my childhood? So much anger. Always, always, anger. So much anger.

So, yea, massive family drama. And that’s putting it mildly. I have to remind myself not to feel guilty; tripped up into cutting off my arm just because someone else needs it. I was always the fixer, the soother, the empathic harmonizer. And it’ll leave you feeling tortured. Having to remind yourself the reason you’re not giving is because you literally don’t have anything and not because you’re an asshole. I should probably write that down and hang it up around the apartment. “You are not a bad person for being too poor to give. You do not have to save the world by yourself. It is not your responsibility to fix everyone’s problems.” Sigh.

It hurts. But I gotta do it. Boundaries. Ugh. Spiritual lesson, everyone has their own relationship with God, with Life, with the Universe. You don’t have to play the sacrificial anything…to be loved.

Healer, heal thyself.

Woman, love thyself.

Sister, daughter, brother, mother, forgive thyself.

It brings me to a couple of other things that somehow correlate to this because things tend to show up as a group, a hint here, a puzzle there, a solution behind door number three. I read an article about a PhD student who has a disability and how hard it is to keep playing the I can overcome anything card (when you got things to overcome) to convince people (who aren’t sure if they should or shouldn’t help people who aren’t quite up to par) to keep wanting to help. The pressure when them not wanting to help means you might not make it, the impetus to keep that frame of mind, just a little while longer, off the table….

The article is worth a read. It’s what many a homeless person has felt. Because are we all grown up enough now to realize homelessness doesn’t just happen to healthy, stable people? It isn’t a moral issue. You might sense the moral issue behind the presence of those people who have nothing but realistically… if they were that bad of people, so bad they didn’t deserve food and shelter and basic decency from society… man, you’d think a person that bad woulda burned a city down by now, stolen everything you got… I mean shit what is there like 15 officers normally for a city of 5000?

Those people, most of them, aren’t bad, they’re poor and dysfunctional or being massively experimented on so no one wants you getting close to them and finding out the truth. I know we really want to think it’s a moral issue cause then it’s not our problem. I too, piece through my memory of every person I met. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they deserve it. Maybe it is karma. Maybe they could try harder. Can anyone try half a million dollars worth harder, I mean really? Cause that’s how much houses are going for. Half a mil. Median house price. Two minimum wage jobs at full-time might get you an apartment if absolutely nothing goes wrong. Want a job better than minimum wage? Better fit the description of a good, upstanding citizen or no soup for you. Where does that leave all the artists, those raised in less than stellar circumstances …which is half the country by the way.

Is being different from the ideological bar and image society sets (and because of that rejected from fruitful employment) the moral failing of the one rejected? Where do people who can afford half-a-million-dollar houses even work? I don’t even know the name of the industry and they knew enough to train for it, get a job in it and buy a half-a-million-dollar house because of it. WHICH IS OK!!! Don’t get me wrong. I have no beef with that. What I do have beef with is the fact that 30-thousand-dollar houses aren’t also available. Why don’t service industry employees and retail employees and low-skilled labor employees who put in forty hours a week considered worthy of home ownership? Why can’t our kids go to school together so they can at least hear about that mysterious industry that earns someone enough to buy a half a million dollar house? And we, we could be seen as human, not less than human, not dumb, not only worth… 24/7 stress and paid baby-sitters with guns…just in case the hunger gets to us or our kid’s hunger despite our moral fortitude.

It isn’t true that everyone who wants a job, gets a job. You need to understand that. “But they don’t even tryyyyyyyy, why should we careeeeeee.” Why? I’ve read many times over comment boards and forums, let the weak die, they say. Let em die. Survival of the fittest, they say.

Let me tell you a story about ecosystems. You understand what an ecosystem is? We’re learning about ecosystems and food chains in my son’s science class. What happens if you take one little piece out of the food chain? Do you know what happens? Ah, mice, they’re varmints. They’re horrible. Kill em all. Now guess what? Guess what happens next? Climate change. That’s what happens. Kill all the poor people, all the empaths, leave the angels on the streets to die cause they’re too much fucking trouble and you get overrun by predators. Now you’re out of balance and your ecosystem goes from a tiny wobble to major catastrophe faster than you can say boo. You think catastrophe doesn’t effect everyone? “Oh we’ll just jump on a rocket ship and go live on another planet!” Never gonna happen, it’s called bioincompatibility. “Oh, technology’ll save us!” It would if you would pay attention to the information it is giving you and ACT on it. A whole lot of people know there is something desperately wrong but haven’t a clue how to fix it. They see things from a very materialistic point of view because they were taught to… so to convince them what needs to occur is healing, deep spiritual healing. Compassionately looking out for one another… it just isn’t going to get through. You think you’ll survive another generation? Think people like me are going to hang on through another round of reincarnation after this trip? You understand what as above so below means? You don’t. It doesn’t mean up in heaven that’s how things go down here in earth… it means, shit goes wrong in your collective mind space, it shows up in your tangible world. Immune deficiencies, viruses, predatory animals… all of these things come from your collective mindspace, they are a reflection. Your movies, your cinema, your storytellers? They try to save you from the worst of yourselves, project those thoughts in a less horrifying way… because some stuff will show up tangibly despite your best efforts. It is time for you to wake up new breed. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

This Creation/Creator relationship that some call Mother Earth isn’t dumb. This thing is designed … man, precision. Beautiful and precise. You must care for each other. MUST. And of course every one that is able should care for themselves. That goes without saying. But a whole lot of people simply aren’t using common sense here. They don’t know. They don’t know the safety there is in numbers. How important the agreements you make about your collective reality actually are.

I believe in love. If not God’s, yours, if not yours, mine, if not mine, the ancestors, and so on and so on and so on.

Love isn’t just a word. It is salvation.

Peace ❤

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