There are some wounds that leave me bereft, stuck in a loop of confusion, scraping at nothing trying to make sense of … and not use the words why bother. I think I mentioned a while back that I started seeing a new therapist. It helps some and doesn’t help in some other ways. I still feel largely disconnected and misunderstood and well, confused. I was curious why some old wounds were showing up again that I had thought I’d dealt with pretty well on both a psychological and energetic level. A little bit of research revealed we have one of those planetary alignments that dredge this stuff up.
I do tend to believe that many healers want to be healers because they experienced some form of trauma that required a thorough investigation. Finding useful tools, tricks, and reliable others to get through and rise above the tumult produces fruit that those with a compassionate heart will feel inclined to offer to others.
I imagine I am not the only healer type going through a deep cleansing, finding more layers to old wounds. I’ve observed that the retrieval of soul fragments and re-integration has also been a theme of this particular pattern of energy. I think I’ll do a separate post for soul fragments, it’s a lengthy concept to wrap one’s mind around.
An old memory was brought to the surface. I’ll take you through the memory and what I’ve adjusted, energetically and elsewise to address it yet again. At the end of the day, no matter what you have been through, a deep knowing that you are fully capable of healing, of being loved, of treating yourself with kindness, care and compassion, that you are equipped to ask for help and receive the help that is offered makes all the difference in the world. These are themes we as a collective turn to again and again. Each time, we get stronger in supporting one another and reducing the friction of unwanted energy blocks so that love and community and a thread of health flow more continuously.
How to be both empowered and have vivid memories of a complete lack of power. In other words, resolving a complex duality pattern.
First the feelings…
That sense of nobody loves me, nobody cares, no one sees me and if they do, they don’t like what they see, it is pervasive. An urgency to heal because if I don’t… but finding the strength to keep at it, some days. I spent my life, a pretty horrific life in some regards, attempting to make sense of things, (all that confusion and suffering and ignorance around me) through some spiritual lens, through some enlightened state of mind that could or would eventually produce a key that would get people to just simply give a shit about each other, and by each other, I think I must have meant me.
Going through some of the tougher and more painful memories of my life. Things that happened to me as a child, deep, traumatic wounds … juxtaposed a society that doesn’t want to hear about deep, traumatic wounds.
Then the memories attached to or what the feelings are directing me towards…
I was stranger abducted as a child. By the Grace of something I don’t claim to understand, I got away. Another little girl did not. I was relaying that story to my therapist. Recalling the fresh joy I had left the house with that day. So young. So innocent. So sure. To be met by a predator… it’s colored my life. It was some time before I told my family what really happened that day. Part of me decided it was my own fault for … knowing better than to go anywhere with a stranger ever… and yet, I did.
So, like children do, I internalized the shame, the guilt, the stupidity, the distrust of self and replayed and replayed and replayed the scenario out in my life. When I left the house that day, it was because I had “discovered” what I was going to be when I grew up – a journalist – and wanted to start practicing. I was going to draw the pictures since I didn’t have access to a camera and write about what I saw. You know that feeling, that immense relief and excitement that comes when you get a great idea, and feel empowered to accomplish it? That’s what I was feeling. I was maybe six, maybe seven. I was wearing the one matching outfit I owned. And he used the art as a way to invoke trust. “Oh, you’re an artist? You should talk to my mom, she’s an artist too.”
Little girl me, she thought, well look at that, I’ve already been discovered! Every time I have gotten close to a positive thing happening in my life, the fear, the buried trauma of that day resurfaces. I am a pro at self-sabotage cause protector me thinks success will bring the predators. It’s a hard one to overcome. It’s a hard one to make sense of.
Next the how is it still affecting me (what are the core beliefs it caused) where is there yet room to heal…
I see it playing out still, still don’t really know how to get beyond that loop, past that level of fear. My family didn’t react well in terms of support after it happened. It was kinda like it didn’t happen. Families struggling in poverty often don’t have the know how or resources or trust of the establishment to seek mental health in response to events of this nature. So, that’s why I’m as old as I am and have thirty some years of this horror show replaying, seeking intervention, rescue, a savior, traumatized repeatedly, saving myself repeatedly, the world at large invalidating the emotional wounds, repeatedly, rinse repeat.
Cause I was pretty fucking little to be saving myself. Pretty fucking little to understand how, why and what. Who to trust? How to trust?
I told my therapist that I thought a few of my intuitive gifts grew out of that experience. There were other violences, other confusing scenarios, and a child’s mind just isn’t equipped. So I learned to read energy. I learned to hide the innocence, the love, the deeply joyful and free me… I learned to hide her and keep her safe but I did not learn how to live.
I sacrificed nearly everything else to retain one little ounce of Heaven within. I thought for sure it would be valuable one day. When so many connections were made (thanks to social media) and people were talking about spiritual gifts and starting businesses helping people with them, I was so excited. Until I realized I still had too many fears to do the same thing. I still felt excluded, still felt not good enough, still wary of someone finding one of these deeper wounds.
Finally, breaking the cycle….
I’m digging deep to heal this one. The resounding vibration is shame. Healing shame is not easy. The tools that are helping me through this are: Sharing my story, validating the experience as genuine and painful and confusing. Asking for help and not feeling “less than” or believing the narrative that to need help is weakness. Self-care in the form of soothing music, brushing my dog, playing games with my little duder, making a point of doing things that are opposite to the emotion so I am able to access trust in my ability to comfort and meet my needs, it interrupts the sense of hopelessness that accompanies self-sabotage.
Energetically, I asked for support to go back to the event and bring the offender to a Galactic witness, to address the sense of guilt for not telling sooner. I asked that the other girl, the me that didn’t make it, be released and that her soul be prayed for. I released and severed the ties that bound any of us with faith and trust in the ability of harmonic and intelligent energy to set things right. I cut the ties that bound my gifts to this sense of betrayal or stories of ritual abuse and misuse of psychic transference. This morning my spirit animal totems showed up to reassure me. I close the healing with gratitude and acknowledgement.
We all have our stories. Some big and scary and horrible, others just a tiny sliver. That so many people are taking the time and finding the strength to heal themselves says a lot about how far we’ve come. From my own experience I know it was only in times I felt relatively safe that I was able to unpack some of the more yucky stuff. So THANK YOU to all the people using their time on planet earth to make it safe, secure and loving so these collective wounds of humanity can be healed. May your souls be blessed across all time and space.
A couple videos that could assist: