Bear with me, I have to write something out here because the confusion is a little… well, I’m ready to be done with it.
It is true that I have struggled with understanding other’s sovereign independence and how that relates to me and my sovereign independence in what seems to me a shared space with shared agreements. Getting the finer points of frequency adjustment is like trying to understand PhD level calculus times twenty thousand. It seems as if only one itty bitty part of me “gets it” and the rest is like nope, too hard, go away.
I’m trying, anyways. It’s like I’ve lived multiple lives and levels at the same time and sometimes figuring out which life and level to pull on for assistance isn’t obvious on first pass. I’ll give you an example of what I’m talking about.
Lately I’ve been cruising along studying and clearing some 6th dimensional shtuff. This realm also includes the likes of the deeper Jesus teachings, Vedanta and enlightenment. So much of what we long thought was the whole reason for being here, and those with Galactic know how know this too is only part. Only …. Part….
Anyhoo, embodiment is going well. We took my son out for his birthday. I had literal fun. I was literally enjoying myself. I made real, from the heart, jokes. It seems eons ago since I was effusively happy in public and not feeling like I was “working”. By working I mean specifically in a situation or place to raise the vibration or hold the field or bar some negative nelly from harming an innocent. In other words, weird angel stuff that still barely makes sense to my own mind. Things I usually only realized happened after the fact when some little part of me said, now that sure as shit didn’t make sense and I’d have to replay the tapes in my head to see the how’s, why’s and what for’s.
One of the harder things I’ve been attempting to heal from is what is best described as victim mentality. That feeling of being subject to the mal will of others. I can rise above it, like anyone else, when everything is smooth and peaceful but there remains some confusion. There remains a point where no part of it makes sense. Some will chalk it up to vibration, to seeking experience, to Divine play, to karma, to resonance.
I get stuck on….What kind of sense does it make for someone who has been hurt to continually be hurt while they are trying to heal? What I know about the Universe is that there is an underlying logic and order to it, even if it isn’t always perceptible to the mind. Things aren’t brought together willy nilly because you have a random thought. God, could you just imagine what that world would actually look like? Ever pay attention to your thoughts? I mean, really pay attention? Most of the thoughts that come across your mindscape aren’t even your own. Person or being who controls the most thought forms wins? How ludicrous. What rational being would ever subject themselves to life lived as a result of transient thought and even more transient emotion?
So… victim mentality. Fear. Recurring themes. I’m feeling pretty good, pretty stable, like I’ve turned a leaf and then I got blasted by my neighbor this morning. And this is where I get confused. She suggested to me that we could expect another rent increase. It would be the fourth in a year since the new owner took over. Have I healed yet from the trauma of living outside and ridiculed for disability induced poverty? Is this the spiritual lesson? To understand the mindset that will charge more while giving less just cause they can? To get pushed painfully into my next adventure? What is it? And why? If I get sad about it will that lower my vibration and make things even worse? Is validating my feelings and confusion a bad idea? Is this another round of “oh ye of little faith”? Have I not been through enough of that to last everyone ten thousand lives? Have I still not accepted “help”?
Simultaneously, two other weirderies came across my whatever this is… who can even say anymore…
I’m putting them here and I am asking for the energetic and spiritual love and support to get me through this hurdle. I’m sick and tired of being afraid and confused and then afraid that my confusion and imperfection will create some kind of stupidity and so on and so on and so on. Done.
My life has had more synchronicities than you’d believe. There has nary been the case where synchronicity wasn’t the norm rather than highlight. I’ve been a bit reserved and held to myself lately. I get sick of playing the notice me game, and just need to not play every once in awhile. I do still, however, peruse my subscriptions here. Why? Ugh. Nonetheless, my little eyes settled on a headline, something along the lines of some or other royal something or other. Georgia, Charlotte and Eugenie. Probably seems like nothing to write home about, right? Except my mom’s name is Georgia, my sister’s name is Charolotte and my deceased uncle’s name is Gene.
And yesterday, oh yesterday. Yesterday, a recommended video popped up while I was taking a break from a playlist on the Vedas I’ve been working my way through. A new Pokemon has been found it said. A new Pokemon named Meltan. Here’s a pic. Notice the view numbering. Oh, did I forget to mention that Mel is the first part of my name and tan is the first part of my partner’s name? Silly me.
Weirdness upon weirdness. I’d really like to have a homestead now. How do I make that appear in my reality? It’d be a lot more helpful than getting a pokemon named after us.
Is this just another day in paradise ….?