These two divergent worlds I am attempting to make sense of are not playing very nice with each other at the moment. Applying quantum principles where previously you have been operating in binary code, is not the easiest of transitions. How about, for posterity’s sake, I record what I’m dealing with? I’ll try to leave out the unimportant stuff but I’ll tell ya, this is one of those times I’m sitting down to write and have no idea whatsoever what’s going to come out.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment for a physical review with a doc the social security people want to examine me to see if I’m lying about whether or not twenty six years of pain has been my reality or if I’m just being stubborn and petulantly using 5 surgeries, damaged nerves and the emotional trauma of ten thousand other things to get out of making enough money to actually enjoy life. Ah, the fucking ridiculousness of this. Two Deep breaths.

It’s been weird living in a body that experienced some of these things. I imagine the one thing that confuses these doctors more than anything is how it is possible for my eyes to still shine with an internal joy and bliss. If you were really in pain… surely your spirit would be broken by now. What kind of freak of nature are you. If I had a dollar for the amount of times I’ve been asked what I was on because people just couldn’t fathom the amount of joyful exuberance I come with when I’m not in the presence of my kryptonite (which is bureaucratic hypocrisy in case I haven’t made that clear). I’m pretty sure the reason I can survive the pain is because of that light of joy, the same reason they think I’m lying. If that isn’t irony.

I imagine, someday, I’ll have succeeded in re-wiring all of my pain receptors and become their worst nightmare. I’ve cleared a lot of baggage and karma and timelines and Mastered shit that makes a lot of Masters drool (for real) and I like my view from the Celestial Realms, seems to make life on earth go a lot better for a lot of people. So…I don’t think it would make a lot of sense for me to heal myself just so I can then go flip burgers or make copies even if those people don’t understand.

In the past, whenever I had to deal with these types of situations, I always tried to speak their language. I think when I go in there tomorrow I should mention that the harmonic convergence happened 13 years after I was born. Maybe I’ll pull out my etheric badge and tell him he doesn’t have clearance to know who I really am hahaha, maybe I’ll show him my “other planets passport” and present him with a “my patient went all the way to Jupiter and all I got was this lousy titanium transmitter” mug. Because despite how much food is thrown away, how many buildings sit empty, how much effort it is to override this pain and raise my child to be something other than just another self-centered consumer… I still need to have a man in a white coat decide whether or not they’re done experimenting on me… and try not to be all judgey about the fact that this is still probably an easier task than convincing “regular” people this is indeed what has happened and a life vest thrown in my direction wouldn’t be the worse waste of resources.

“Bring a list of your medications” you mean the yoga, meditation, alignment and Reiki that replaced the buttloads of narcotics you tried to suppress me with? The “you are an empath” statement that replaced the twenty different anti-depressants that never worked?

Cleaning up this aspect of my reality is taking quite a bit of my patience. I know how many disabled people are thrown away. I know how many of them once committed their lives to an idea of your freedom and now get shooed away from your garbage cans. Why would someone with my “spiritual know how” be in a position like this? That’s why. These safety nets need to actually work and not be used to disappear people who have opinions you don’t like or life experiences you don’t want anyone knowing about.

Wish me luck.


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