You know what those old vinyl records look like? You’d put the needle down and it would play. If you came to a song you didn’t want to hear, you picked the needle up and gently placed it at the beginning of the next song. When CD’s came around, if a song came on you didn’t like, you just had to push one button or maybe you only had one favorite and you could just skip ahead to that one, ignoring all others. Now we can design our own algorithms on certain music playing sites and a playlist we might enjoy pops up, allowing a song we may have never even heard of, to enter our listening pleasure.
Those of us who grew up in the age of vinyls, sometimes have to work a little harder at remembering that this new way of interacting with music can be quite enjoyable. This is a pretty good take on what it’s like to be out of the timeloops.
It can be frustrating sometimes, watching people put that old vinyl record on, especially when that one song you just can’t stand comes on and they don’t know how to move the needle without scratching the record so they just let the bullshit fill the room. This happens a lot in the “truther” community. Some of them really like to play that same old sad song over and over and over. You can tell them, hey, you can create your own playlists now, to which they will often reply, no, no, no that shit will program you, this sad song is where it’s at. And oh to have the power to destroy that fucking record and know I must resist the urge to do so because … headphones work just as well.
This is where I let a lot of shit go, a lot of people and a lot of realities I’m just done looking at. And as is my way, this is triggered by a resonant call for healing. So let me tell you a part of my story, the record I will be breaking with this writing. If I lived in Hawaii, I’d be throwing this shit right into the lava, make no mistake.
Four years ago, I had to rescue my son from hell. Though I had made many numerous attempts to address the suffering and trauma I had lived through as a young child, the pain bled out, it colored his world, he sought escape from it. Guess what was waiting with arms wide open. Sometimes we don’t realize what we have created or invited or allowed until it threatens our last remnant of sanity, hope, love. The story is a long one and I already wrote that book but the lessons I learned on my walk back up may help a few souls.
Four years ago, my world and all its self-destructive beliefs fell into ruins and I had to walk out of hell with my eyes open. Literally. A few things happened then, that have made it a little difficult to fully move on. I haven’t been ready to release them yet, haven’t felt much like talking about it, haven’t yet been ready to forgive myself. And maybe I’m still not, but I’ll tell you one thing I know for sure, the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. So many of us are addicted to shame and guilt and hey, you look like an evil motherfucker, here please take my power since I’m not doing anything with it anyways, and HOLY FUCK I want to be done listening to these sad songs.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY HEAVEN!!
Of that I am sure. I don’t think I have even one more I’m sorry in me for how much I allowed to go into ruins before I was ready for this truth. So join me as I walk the last few feet down the aisle, where my Father will give me away and I will become married to my own creations and all that comes with it.
Four years ago I killed myself and didn’t die. And when I say “killed myself” I actually mean that. I took enough opioids to kill myself and didn’t die. Tried a few times. Same result. God just kept getting closer and things kept getting weirder. Jesus wasn’t kidding but that doesn’t mean you’re going to be strong enough to walk out of wherever you left yourself so don’t be stupid, let my story be enough proof.
Around the same time, my boyfriend had an experience that has haunted me way too much. Somewhere in the fields of his imagination, a dude with horns presented him a contract. The contract was basically that he was going to facilitate them siphoning my “gifts” and in return he would be able to get anyone’s talent he wanted. I never thought much of it, honestly, until I had done a solid year’s worth of work on myself and could see massive changes sweeping over my world but I could not get any change to happen in my personal life. I was in a cage. My gifts were not.
Then a friend intervened, got me an attunement and clearing with a very gifted woman and despite being able to intend and create blessings for others hand over fist, I still could not get away from the cage. One day he’d be a regular old boyfriend, the next day, (usually right after I attempted to work on one of the projects that may actually get me out of poverty) he’d fucking destroy me energetically. Over and over and over and over. The contract was dealt with, the positive and silver linings found and embraced with gratitude but yet…
He’s still a portal. Still hasn’t quite found it within himself to do the spiritual work necessary to make sure no harm comes at me through his vehicle. A vast number of healers have worked to release me yet my ability to trust, to walk out, to leave behind the mind games, the gaslighting, the fuck me if you want a place to live, the disempowering and endless yea, but’s … to say goodbye to 4D for once and for all is so much easier said than done.
Just as you can vibrate so low you leave your body, you can also vibrate so high your body can’t take it. I understand why he has done what he’s done. That twin flame thing, it’s never pretty. I’ve been afraid to leave for the same reasons anyone ever stays in a fucked up relationship, we don’t think we deserve better or don’t know how to take the steps to give ourselves better.
So many of us have these massive scars, sad songs, angry songs, confusing distorted songs and believed for so long that the record we have is the record we have, and we play that shit because we think it’s better than no music at all. We fear the silence invoking all those things we have yet to forgive and forget.
WE are all guilty of something, maybe we worked for a company that used earth’s resources irresponsibly, maybe we drive our car more often than we need to, maybe we throw food away and forget how many people are dying because of hunger, maybe we walked past someone and silently cursed them in our head, maybe we pushed our girlfriend or called her a bitch, maybe we wished someone death, maybe we used our big boobs to get what we want, maybe we abused our authority, our trust, our duty and stole money that wasn’t ours, maybe we signed up for the military not realizing, maybe we failed at motherhood and almost got our son and innocent others killed, maybe… we did that.
Did we do these things because a group of fallen angels or negative aliens or greedy humans set us up? Maybe. Does knowing any of that make today any less precious? It doesn’t.
So … today, I stand absolved by the only person capable of granting me full and complete absolution – myself because God, Life, Love has already made it very clear I am worthy of Love, of Life, of God. I now must fully trust and embrace love, grace and sights unseen. I must embrace them with the understanding that the full force of my “Night” side makes Kali look like a fluffy kitten and yet… I was loved. I was rescued. I was shown Grace, Mercy, Compassion because these also reside within me in equal measure. I may not have been able to make peace with all of my aspects but that’s what boundaries are for. The unwritten code regarding forgiveness, you make every effort to never pull that stunt again.
I forgive everyone who couldn’t handle me in all my Divine Power and Glory, including myself.
Thank you -everyone- who has shown me the path of serenity. It has allowed me to truly accept the things I cannot change.
Thank you -everyone- who has cheered from the sidelines and kept me courageous while I change the things I can. Hold on to your hats because it would appear I’m just getting started.
Thank you -everyone- who has offered the tools necessary to cultivate the wisdom to know the difference.
A few years back I said, “Physician, heal thyself”. And sometime within this past week I looked at the Physician and said, oh, you’re finally healed!
Jesus said, Father forgive them for they know not what they do and I was forgiven for what I did when I didn’t know.
Today, to the mother in me and the mother in us all, I say, forgive yourself and your children will never have to, love yourself and your children will know how to do the same. Break that record with the songs you hate and maybe you won’t forget there is another world, there is LIFE beyond suffering.