The Child Within

So I wrote a pretty intense new moon rant last night and somehow managed to resist the urge to post it. It seems every month certain traumas rear their head to be cleared, to be given voice. They can really pull me into the outskirts of a vast spiraling storm if I’m not careful. Holding my center, my faith, my trust, while also acknowledging, attending to, forgiving, being grateful for the lesson is getting easier every month.

Like a physician testing and observing the healing process of a post-surgical patient, I take a peek, poke it for a bit, check for infection or abscess and put a fresh dressing on. It’s hard work healing core wounds and traumas. It takes time and dedication and belief in the natural healing process of the soul, the spirit, the body.

I noticed a core wound I hadn’t really addressed yet. It is one that I think a lot of people experience and so, as is my way, I’m bringing it here to my tribe so we can work together to heal this frequency, smooth it out a bit so it isn’t quite the raw, gaping wound but one that is being cared for, addressed, loved back into health.

If I had to sum it up with words it would be “it hurts not to be seen, it may be dangerous to be seen”. And what is that really but a fear of judgment? Most of us experienced some degree of loneliness and confusion as children. Our parents had stuff to do or maybe they were so traumatized or stressed they couldn’t attend to our need for undivided attention in the moments it arose feeling so vital. Some of us had better coping mechanisms for these times than others. I think one of the more fruitful coping mechanisms, a way to re-write that script is to remind the child within that worthiness isn’t something that is proven by how much or how often you get told and reminded that you are worthy, it just is and you simply are despite what the world does or does not tell you.

We would be remiss to tie our sense of worthiness to being seen in our authenticity. We would be remiss to think our bank account somehow has the final say, or record of how appreciated and valued our authentic state is. As if maybe the Universe, God, Gaia, YOU somehow made a mistake in bringing what your unique signature and gifts are to our co-created table.

I am learning to be brave, to fine tune, to Master these gifts I come with and they are no small gifts so there is some fear there that I might piss someone off in the using of them. That too is related to some childhood wounds. The wound of jealousy, envy, this is also judgment. My sister always resented me for being tall, thin, stereotypically pretty, jovial and too smart for my own good. Now that we’re older and I’ve done some Reiki sessions on her, we’ve both been surprised at how large and beautiful and bright her soul shine is. She was so busy looking at mine, wishing it was hers, and I was so busy defending and hiding it not to upset her, neither of us saw her sparkly ass diamond self. Now if that isn’t a lesson and a half I don’t know what is.

I find I have to remind myself pretty frequently that my basic needs are being met, even if my desires are taking their sweet time to come into view. I am learning to accept my gifts and trust that I am supported in learning to use them wisely. There is no doubt I am a global manifester, that I am particularly suited to amplify, support and defend collective will which sometimes means leaning into that Buddha place, that eternal resonance when the little self feels it’s not being seen or heard or given enough attention in return. Creating unity and harmony takes a lot of dedication and focus but know this, I’ve met my “future” self, and she’s even smarter than me… we did succeed. I wouldn’t be here in this now if that were not the case.

Heal your wounds, be brave with your gifts, remember that you are loved and as often as possible, reach out and help others do the same. That, to me, is how we embody and manifest more Grace in the world.

Many blessings and success to your journey.

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