New Year’s Stuff and Stuff

There is a Bible verse running through my head today, Matthew 17:17 but for a little bit of context, I’ll give ya 14-20:

14And when they were come to the multitude, there came to him a certain man, kneeling down to him, and saying, 15Lord, have mercy on my son: for he is lunatick, and sore vexed: for ofttimes he falleth into the fire, and oft into the water. 16And I brought him to thy disciples, and they could not cure him. 17Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me. 18And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour. 19Then came the disciples to Jesus apart, and said, Why could not we cast him out? 20And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

Interesting choice of reflection on this, the eve of a new calendar year. I learned a lot this year, made huge strides if I’m being honest (and using something other than my bank account as a measuring rod). I’ve been looking back over the past year, pondering the pertinent ponderables…what have I accomplished, where have I succeeded, what needs to be addressed going forward?

I spent a  whole calendar year housed and somewhat stable (…in a shitty, mold infested apartment with several neighbors that like their dope so much I have a panic attack nearly every time I have to walk my dog and a kitchen sink that never drains or fails to remind me how much I still need to work on swearing less, stuck in a less than ideal relationship I can’t leave because I don’t know anyone else who would stay this committed to keeping me alive without trying to change me even if it’s only barely and only because I feed him, in other words, still dealing with shit I am losing the strength to want to keep dealing with but me and little dude are stable) and that’s way better than where we were two years ago when all I had was blind faith.

I was able to homeschool my son despite the enormous and almost soul crushing difficulty of the task (and immense anger I have to suppress on the daily because the local public school system has left me no better viable option). I self-published a book I’m still too chicken and self-doubting to try and convince anyone to buy (but it has been one of my life goals to write a book and I do consider it an accomplishment even if I’m still so surprised that I actually did it, I haven’t completely figured out what to do next). I finally convinced my mom that I’m never gonna get over my drive to heal and help people and will remain the weirdo spiritual anomaly I am, so she agreed to pay for me to take some Reiki training classes and when I’m through with them all in the next couple of months, I can finally back up my natural abilities and inclinations with some much needed, and long awaited, credentialing and networking opportunities. I healed more in this past year than all the others before it. So overall, even if things are still tenuous as fuck, I’m gonna call this year a win for Team Melissa.

Having spent the entirety of my life attempting to understand the why’s of poverty from every angle except for the one where I have abundant resources to address it, has left me often repeating a variation of this scripture verse. I’ve seen a lot of really shitty things in life, and many, many times had nothing more than that small grain of hope from which to pull a miracle out of my ass. It isn’t such an easy thing to maintain faith in goodness and my own ability to command and change my reality with nothing but stubborn and unwavering belief. How many times must the abc’s be repeated to people who are stringing together full sentences? This one is a double-edged sword though, cause I do know how many times I have thrown that poverty mountain into the sea only to see it rise again. Just when I think I have a little peace on the issue and finally put that mountain so far into the abyss that I’ll never be bothered again, something sets me off, the wound comes ripped open and a mess of blood and draining yuck must be cleansed, sutured and set with covering to heal again so the entirety of my spirit does not become infected. Sorry Jesus, this one still seems fucking impossible more days than I’d like to admit so you’re just gonna have to suffer me a little longer. Thank God you look good in a pair of Levi’s 🙂

Someone asked me one of my triggering questions, “do you work?” not that long ago. I’ve been avoiding him since and the guilt of that avoidance is starting to gnaw at me. I’ll have to figure out a good New Year’s resolution for handling emotionally triggering shit with a little more grace than running away and hiding. Nothing makes me want to extract myself from “the human race” quicker than that question but there is no way he could have known that. The memories of being homeless, having absolutely nothing but the clothes on my back and being that close to death in front of people who were throwing away things that would keep me alive with one hand while pointing their finger at me as the one in the wrong, (BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE A J-O-B) with the other, it still hurts very deeply. It is the mindset that has hurt my soul my whole life really.

Like the pretty girl with big boobs that wants to be seen as more than a sex object, I’d like to be seen as more than a tool to feed the money machine. It’s a hard one to get over because it should be glaringly -without a doubt- obvious that there is more to human life than how much money can be extracted from it. That question, a version of which I have heard so many times from people who cannot see the spiritual realms, who do not understand and refuse to accept what some of us have been put here to do and help with, frustrates me because there is no easy or quick answer that I have ever found to give. So yea, though the understanding is coming in slow waves to the consciousness of the masses, that question in particular still remains more frustrating than ignorable and high on my list of things to improve on in 2018.

While trying to manage keeping myself a tiny bit human when homeless, if I’d had a dollar for every time I heard “get a job”, “why should I pay for your mistakes”, “lazy piece of shit, get a life” “go away”, “you can’t be here”, I wouldn’t have been homeless very long. The list of similar such statements goes on and on and so few ever gave me the chance to explain. I swear half the reason I found the strength to go on was just so I could get access to a place with a computer, the internet, electricity, warmth and running water so I could collect myself and write a thoughtful response on behalf of every one of us who have been on the receiving end of those accusations.

So this question, “do you work” it leaves me struggling, it leaves me grasping to compile a list of reasons why I’m worthy of staying alive anyways and desperately reaching for my medical records to give a 3D-centric acceptable list of reasons for not working while simultaneously resisting the urge to get self-righteous, angry and judgmental in return… “what gives you the right to question my life” “walk a mile in my shoes” I know damn well where that leads (a slap in the face by karma herself cause self-righteous infused judgment is big on the list of no-no’s when you’re operating outside the norm, spiritually speaking) and I also know that if I simply lied and said yep, I work at McDonald’s, they wouldn’t think twice about the fact that someone who has saved as many lives as I have, has only now been deemed worthy of life by them because she works for a place that literally kills people.

It’s one of those things that’ll stick in the craw of a critical thinker, try to resist the urge to put that on people because we are quickly heading into an era where work will need to be redefined for all of us, that is what the advent of our technological advances and tools is ushering in whether you like it, are prepared for it, or not. One of the jobs I am here to do that is not currently earning me a taxable paycheck, is getting people prepared for this and able to grow from the evolutionary opportunity a “new tool” inevitably presents.

What is the nature of “work”? Let’s come up with some better questions in 2018 that gives a broader perspective on the nature of being a good citizen and conducting a worthwhile life that goes beyond collecting a paycheck. Maybe we can start asking, how mindful of others have you been? How many doors did you hold open, how many elderly people living in isolation did you share a meal with, how many children did you make smile, how much litter did you pick up, how many healthy choices did you make, what did you learn… how about a simple how are you, what’s your favorite color and commit ourselves to actually pausing to listen to the whole answer?

We have been born into a system of rules surrounding resource distribution and there are many positives to this system, but there are also a great many negatives. Trying to find that useful line of ethics and morality where the system can be updated has proven ridiculously complicated. Many blame this on greed. “The rich are greedy” the battle cry goes. But I’ve seen plenty a poor person and even more upper middle class react in the exact same way that we have (perhaps erroneously) defined as greed. So…is greed really the “word” we should be putting our collective attention to addressing?

Heading into this next year, a Master year no less, I do believe a more appropriate and less judgmental stance to take regarding this issue is territorial behavior, the animal instinct that despite enormous brains and even more enormous spirits, capable of pondering a shit ton more than how to preserve 2000 square feet and secure a socially acceptable occupation and appearance, is nonetheless, ever focused on just and only that. If we could think, observe, rationalize beyond this, a simple adjustment could be made to our bottom line and it would take a lot of pressure off. But in order for that to happen, you’re going to need to stop thinking of your neighbor as the enemy, as competition and judging whether or not they are more or less worthy of living or reproducing (or ascending for you spiritually minded egotists) than you.

Right now, the bottom line in this “first world” nation, the bar defining who lives, prospers, grows or doesn’t, reeks of territorial behavior, and it doesn’t actually make sense. It’s like having a giant sink hole in the middle of our country that everyone just keeps driving around and calling anyone who would seek to address it crazy. It’s hard to accept that we still do this. We’ve gotten territorial about our dysfunction! This, to me, suggests manipulation on a level most will miss. The thing we have not been able to get around, as of yet, is that we are still defining worthiness based on occupation and access to resources (or power), and both, as currently defined, are the product of a seriously restricted and horrific classification system that did not account for the human being as inherently Divine. A classification system that has tried to define and limit the soul as a product or result of some externally contrived Divinity measurement, something to be earned based on impossibly obscure parameters of “unless” or “if” instead of nurtured and grown into from the same little mustard seed we all come to planet earth with.

Territorial behavior has some obvious biological advantages, but it also comes with some problems that for the most part, we are creating needlessly because we haven’t stopped the behaviors or addressed our addiction to the chemical responses these behaviors produce long enough to do anything else but find more reasons to keep on doing it! There is a tremendous amount of energy spent “defending” and “hoarding” that could be spent in other ways, like cooperation, building, inspiration, learning, exploring, celebrating. So, do we lack faith and trust or… do we lack the understanding and information necessary to upgrade (evolve) out of this predicament? If your consciousness does not expand beyond this territorial behavior, you are using about 1/10th of 1% of what you are capable of. I hope you hear me and hear me well.

Let me attempt to put this into perspective. We have yet to understand the complexity of who and what we are, literally, and so we have allowed ourselves to become a product of our environment, a created environment (which some of us have fought against tooth and nail and our lives don’t always look so pretty because of it). Rather than operate as Beings capable of interacting on at least 7 dimensions out of the box and 15 with a little work, the vast majority are operating as unconscious dolts basing huge ethical decisions off rudimentary animal instincts. The question is why, and it’s a loaded one. Consider this your 2018 Master year cheat code.

In this year ahead, many opportunities will present themselves, I pray you and I realize we are fully equipped and more than worthy of them all. I’ll leave you to that and wish you a very Happy and abundant New Year.

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