Dear Mama

For three and a half years I’ve lived with the reality that I broke my son’s heart, my oldest son, my first born. Three and a half years through the valley of the shadow of death I have trudged, one foot in front of the other. Trying to bear the unbelievable hopelessness and vulnerability I felt seeing my whole world, the only hope I had allowed into my heart in this dark and twisted world and the reason for every breath I took, handcuffed and locked in a cage because I failed at being a mother. So broken from my attempts to destroy myself over this failure, I could not find the courage to ask him for forgiveness.

Three long years of raging against myself, against God, against this fucked up system, against the Universe itself and finally spent, I had nowhere to turn but into the surrendering of all beliefs and desires I had once held so tightly to. This raging turned into acceptance of the truth about karma, the reality that my choices, beliefs and words created. Healing, repaying, seeing, and learning to love again from a heart I thought could never be repaired, I realized it was never my heart to begin with. So I decided to forgive myself a couple months ago, for losing the will to live and in doing so, losing his trust. Yesterday, I realized I was finally strong enough or weak enough to bear to ask for it again. Today he has given me a seed of forgiveness.

We were repeating a cycle, a story way too similar to the one between my father and I. Healing from the wounds we encounter and create along this journey of life, stops the cyclic nature of karma.  It allows us to discontinue the pattern of suffering attached to it. Healing breaks the laws of physics, the binding quality of life and death, and opens you to a place where peace is experienced beyond the mind’s comprehension. My world was so small, it was easily broken, but once it was and I accepted this Truth, a new world sprang up before me. I was already dead but Life would not leave me to it. What I thought was the failure to be “me” successfully, was the path to redemption and freedom from the separation I had tried to create. Now each step I take is in awareness of the presence of grace and potential from a Source beyond this vessel. Every moment is now and renewed.

May this seed be watered and given the light of love so that what has been planted in my heart, may grow into an abundance of the evidence inherent in its presence. May our lessons be alive and grow unto themselves, a fruitful testimony that heals those who need it, just like my son used Tupac’s testimony to offer me this olive branch of healing. We are each other’s reminder and proof of Grace. As the great poet, Rumi, says, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other” doesn’t make any sense.”

 

“I AM”

Walking through insanity

I found a window

It opened out onto a field

The field was full of

Dreams

 

Walking through dreams

I found a portal

It opened out onto a home

The home was full of

Life

 

Walking through life

I found a hope

It opened out onto a river

The river was full of

Love

 

Walking through love

I found a knowing

It opened out onto my soul

My soul was full of

Joy

 

Walking through joy

I found a freedom

It opened out onto the All

The All was full of

Peace

 

Walking through peace

I found sanity

It opened out onto the free

This freedom is full

Complete

 

I AM with or without me

Life as it BE

With or without our will to see

The Dreamer dreams us FREE

Eternally

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